The Tao of Aging

by David Stang

Validation Therapy works and has a long history in many professions. Reading the recent post by Evy Cugleman, “Beyond the Medical Model: Finding the Heart of Healing,” gave me a chance to reflect on my own experiences with compassionate care.

In 1951, I was admitted into a catholic missionary seminary at the age of 13, as was my twin brother, but different seminaries. At a young age, I understood the difference between hierarchical power and the love of validation. In 1963, the Catholic church had a universal council led by Pope John XXIII. All the bishops and scholars in the Catholic church agreed that all life is sacred and needs to be respected. For a new missionary priest, that meant all people are people of God, including the ancient tribe that I was sent to live with as a missionary. I understood I must learn the language, live with them, sing with them, eat with them, live in a mud house, and pee etc. behind a tree. After 11 years, because I believed in this Vatican Council and loved this tribe, I was accused of going native. In 1978, Saint John Paul II was made a Pope and the power of the hierarchy returned with vengeance and the American Catholic Church never accepted the compassion and validation therapy of Vatican II. 

After leaving the priesthood, I saw the same issues of power in long-term care as a Nursing Home Administrator, where my mother was a resident afflicted with Alzheimers. Naomi Feil, the founder and developer of validation therapy, taught our staff how to validate people with cognitive disease. We had about six residents on the stage at Lamar Junior College with staff members and the state ombudsmen observing. With Naomi at the center, she would engage each resident with conversation, modeling the techniques of validation therapy. With my mother on that stage, Naomi not only taught me how to talk and love my Mom, she enabled me (and our staff) to communicate and engage in meaningful interactions with all our residents. I loved long-term care.

I have many more stories to tell, but I’ll describe one that stands out in my mind. When I first went to work in a nursing home in Lamar, CO and entered the nursing home in the front entrance was a handicapped lady with crippling arthritis, bloodshot eyes, wheelchair bound, spitting and yelling at everyone. Maude was very difficult to take care of. I gave her a warm smile but kept my distance. I praised the staff who worked with this lady and made sure they got support and attention, and gradually I would give her extra attention, made sure her fingernails were clean, hair combed, clothes were clean, smelled good, and could be at the front entrance, not hidden away. Nine months later, a CNA came running to my office saying Maude wants to say goodbye. The CNA had tears in her eyes.  I ran down the hallway to her room. She was in her bed with pillows under her head. I slowly went to her bed. I noticed her eyes were clear with beautiful blue eyes. With bony fingers, she motioned me to come closer. She said thank you David for your special attention. This lady had dementia. When I got close, she grabbed my arm and said goodbye. I replied, “no Maude stay with us”. She threw my arm down and again more loudly said goodbye. She closed her eyes and died. There are many blessings out there… if we bless.

David Stang

Personal Defender of the Right to Grow Old Respectfully!